If You Do Something That Hurts, Why Do You Do It?

Pain reminds me that I am alive. Sometimes, when I use pain as a weapon against myself, I am punishing myself for existing. That is where my comfort zone lives…in pain, depression, anxiety. It’s a world, a territory that I am familiar with. It is a world that has proven extremely difficult to leave for it has overtaken me and paralyzed me with fear.

At first they invaded my home and I tried to fight them off but then I got tired of failing, of fighting and I got used to them. I got used to the pain, the comfort of the friends it brought me, I moved and they followed me and I didn’t even question it, in fact, I grew to feel comfort in their company and fear life without them by my side, in my mind, constantly surrounding my presence.

I moved again thinking a new start would set me free, I suppose you could say I tried running away from the demons that I felt possessed me, but again they showed up making themselves at home, sleeping wit me night after night, bathing alongside me, keeping me company the days I spent curled up in bed unable to move, and dining with me. They became shadows that followed my every move.

It wasn’t until I realized that they were inside of me, inside of my mind that I understood anywhere I went they would follow and I could not escape them by running away. I would have to battle them mentally by rebuilding the blueprint of my thoughts, taking risks, overcoming fear, and learning to love myself.

This is a battle I undertake every day, every second of every day and some days I win. However, a lot of days I lose the battle but I am determined to ultimately win the war I just know it will take a while because things take time. First, I have to undertake the challenge of separating my true self from them, forming an identity that I can grow to love.


One thought on “If You Do Something That Hurts, Why Do You Do It?

  1. Today’s battle might be over, but the war continues. People forget that life is an unending set of battles and if you want to win the war, it takes courage, patient and strength. Keep up fighting, I’m sure that the day shall come when your demons have either joined you or disappear.

    Liked by 1 person

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