Trauma

Trauma

Coded in you

Like a new mutation

Embedded into every cell

Every thought

And every breath.

The air you breathe

To give you life

Is the same air that

Trauma

Live on.

It lives within each beat of your heart

And each firing neuron.

I went outside today

Just to remember

What is was like

To have light on my eyes

Since isolation within the confines

Of these four walls

Has been life

For over 1,000 days now.

A state of disbelief washes over me

When I realize I am still alive

With a beating heart

I’ve been hiding in the dark

Away from the world,

Away from life

I am dissolving

Broken.

Most people don’t survive this.

I can feel my time is running out.

A person can only go on like this

For so long…

This can’t exist indefinitely.

One sense of hope

Lingers on

I was here.

I existed.

I survived for as long as I could

And faced the world with courage

By sharing these words.

I am a survivor

Even if I decide to take my own life.

 

 

 

*This is a work of fiction. While I can relate to this in how I have felt in the past and have dug deep into my soul and memories to create this, this is not my current state of mind. However, I believe suicide, depression and mental health in general are such important topics as I am a crisis counselor and advocate for both those who are having suicidal ideations as well as for survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual assault. I, myself, have suffered from depression, anxiety, PTSD and sexual assault and recovery is still a part of my every day life. Writing is a way in which I am able to express these damaged parts of myself and begin to heal from the trauma I have faced in my life.

I dedicate this to anyone who is or has felt this way or who can connect with this in some way. Whether you can connect with this personally, or through a loved one…you are a survivor. Let me remind you, you have survived up until this moment. While it hasn’t been easy, you have had the strength whether you realize it or not to live. Whether you are a survivor or a co-survivor I applaud you for surviving and for breathing. If breathing is all you’ve done today, I congratulate you because if that is all you are capable of right now, that is okay. Just take it one day at a time and try and build a support system to help you through those particularly tough moments and days. Human connection is key to improvement. Just remember you are worth it, whether you agree with this or not, every cell in your body loves you so much they work 24/7 for you, for you to live! Positive thinking can help in the road to recovery but you will constantly fail AND THAT IS OKAY, it is a part of life. Today is a day I am failing. I am failing to think positively. I failed to get out of bed today, to shower , do yoga (which I love) or to eat. HOWEVER, the day is not yet over, there is a chance for me to turn it around and if I can’t well tomorrow is a new day. I practice being grateful for the ways in which I didn’t fail today. I opened my eyes, I took a breath, and I sat down to write, to express myself. While failure is inevitable, so is success (depending on what you define as success and failure). I have succeeded in living another day to fight through my demons and me being here, means I am winning. I am a survivor.

 

 

 

 

 

 


One thought on “Trauma

  1. Damn right that you’re a survivor! Congratulations on recognizing that it’s okay to fail, as long as you get back up and keep on fighting. I believe that what you’re doing is wonderful. It takes courage and strength to be able to share your life experiences and I hope that your work can help someone who might be going through a similar experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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